literature

positive message

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Irrelephantlovesyou's avatar
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Literature Text

-3.

my hands fall asleep

whenever i think of you.

(i tell you this

and you tell me to go fuck myself with them.)

-2.

my feet grow tired

whenever i have long conversations with you.

(i tell you this

and you tell me to take a long walk off a short pier.)

-1.

my heart wears out

whenever i consider me and you.

(i tell you this

and you tell me shut up and stay that way.)

0.

i've been feeling more awake lately.
soon i'll be in the positives again.
© 2015 - 2024 Irrelephantlovesyou
Comments1
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Mr-Timeshadow's avatar
Sorry it took me this long to comment, but I have been reading this once every day or two, trying to formulate some constructive criticism. Sometimes, this happens. It's not that the poem is bad or anything; just that it is complex on some level, or I have struggled to clarify my thoughts on it without success.
Anyway, I like this, the unfortunate biographical nature of it aside. The cadence is playful, sort of like a modern Dorothy Parker poem. It's not rhyming as hers was, nor strictly metered, but the chorus of "I tell you this..." makes me smile.
Sorry I have nothing better, but I decided to share before you wind up joining AARP...